


You Only Die Once

by byesweetheart (ConstantComment)



Series: Wizard & Werewolf KageHina Cracklets [2]
Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: "Gloop", Alternate Universe - Magic, Crack, Dubious Consentacles, Established Relationship, M/M, Mildly Dubious Consent, Morosexuality on fleek, Sentient Plants, Sorcerer's Apprentice Hinata, Stupid Boys, Tentacles, Werewolf Kageyama
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-08
Updated: 2018-11-08
Packaged: 2019-08-20 12:27:38
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,593
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16555757
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ConstantComment/pseuds/byesweetheart
Summary: Prompt:Tentacles“I’ve gotta get up to the flowering bits near the to — o-woahh!”One vine caught his ankle in its slow ascent, twirling around it and almost… curiously slipping up the loose hem of his breeches as it tugged him gently away. Well, gently for it, maybe, because Hinata jerked with the plant-thing’s strength, nearly stabbing himself in the eye with his clippers as he held on to another vine for dear life.“Hinata, what’s going on?”“I guess this thing is curious?”“Curious? You mean this thing issentient!?”





	You Only Die Once

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so I've been bingeing the Critical Role podcast for the last month, which has nothing to do with anything except for the fact that I may be channelling Chaotic Bard with this outrageous scenario. By which I mean the bard has given D10 inspiration to Wizard Hinata's investigation checks, but he's still a complete fucking idiot. I love him so much.
> 
> In other news, if you haven't read the tags it's your own fault! ;D
> 
> Technically in the same universe as my other [Wizard/Werewolf KGHN ficlet](https://archiveofourown.org/works/12898071) of similar ridiculousness, but you don’t need to know much about the other fic to enjoy this shitshow.

_Plish._

Kageyama hissed. Looking down past his wool travel cloak, he noticed a deep puddle of questionably algae-ridden mudwater, in which one of his high-laced leather boots was now submerged.

"I'm going to kill him," he growled to himself. The forest around him was murky with fog, trees reaching out with claw-like branches in crowded rows of shadows, thorny shrubs peeking out of every cranny while mossy rocks peppered every nook.

In the middle of it all, Hinata the Sorcerer's Apprentice stood and smiled at it all like they'd happened upon a valley of wildflowers and not a forest on its merry way to becoming a _bog._ His pointed hat sat upon his head jauntily, and his berry-purple cloak swiped at his ankles jauntily, and his wizard-staff-not-a-walking-stick swayed with the careless, _jaunty_ swing of his arms as he twirled about, looking like a complete dolt. Which he was.

Kageyama slowly extricated himself and counted all the ways he _liked_ Hinata to stave off the simmering rage under his skin. It didn't work. The list of Reasons To Keep Sleeping With Dumbass Wizard didn't grow at the same rate as the list of Reasons To Murder Dumbass Wizard And Dump The Body. And his dealings with Hinata didn't start out with a list of Reasons To Keep Sleeping With Dumbass Wizard, considering he'd abducted him and tied him to a table for a dark ritual on their first date.

"Hinata," he said, once he'd climbed out of the sludge to a slippery bit of boulder, where Hinata was surveying the scenery. "I'm going to kill you."

Hinata giggled, his eyes fond. "You always say that!"

Kageyama thanked the gods above that the full moon was no time soon, because Hinata made his fangs itch in many, many ways. Many ways not always bloodlust-related — but today was not that day.

"You said you wanted to take me on a date, you magical idiot!"

Hinata turned to him, stupid, stupid, jaunty hat tilting precariously as he did, and chirped, "This is a date, you... hairy dog-man!"

He should have known.

"Dog-man?"

"That's basically what you are!" Hinata concluded, flicking a floppy curl out of his eyes and turning north for a brief moment, not even pausing to listen to Kageyama's temple-rubbing, bridge-of-nose pinching protest of, 'Werewolf' followed by a string of creative curses, before he perked up and exclaimed, "Oh, now I remember, _that's_ the way!"

Sighing Kageyama said, "Right," and followed Hinata's scurrying footsteps further into the woods.

"So, now that you've taken us deep into the creepy forest without a map, can you tell me what we're doing on this 'date?'" Kageyama asked nearly fifteen minutes later, when they'd moved in the supposedly correct direction to another area of forest that looked exactly the same.

Hinata grinned and grabbed onto his hand, squeezing it through Kageyama's fingerless gloves he'd gifted him for his birthday some time ago. Some oddly thoughtful thing where he'd wanted Kageyama's hands to be warm even when he was 'wolfing out' or something related to the claws that appeared alongside all the hair and rage under the light of a full moon.

"We're looking for the _spectacular tentacular,_ " he replied.

"Hinata, just because we're together doesn't mean it's a date. You're always looking for potions ingredients."

Hinata puffed up his cheeks with a sour look. "Of course it's a date! And this is for a séance," he argued. "I'm summoning a demon, not _making a potion._ Duh."

Kageyama decided to just watch him in silence, maybe daydream a bit about the last time they had sex, instead of listening to him chatter about his sorcery stuff. He'd support him in whatever, honestly, but Hinata made it difficult when he was so _bad at it._  

Hinata didn't make it difficult to fuck, though. 

Kageyama wondered at the tally of times he'd bent him over that one giant tome in the library of the Sorcerer's castle where Hinata stayed when his master was traveling, and smiled fondly at the times he'd made Hinata scream or lose his mind or, hmm, speak in tongues or make accidental fireworks with his magic when he came too hard.

(That time had been fun, but then the fireworks had set some books on fire, and they'd run through the castle naked looking for water.)

"Aha!"

Kageyama blinked, and found himself at Hinata's side in a clearing in front of a small cliff, a small waterfall, and a small stream that flowed from it. Near the top of the cliff just by the waterfall, there was a greenish, reddish, orangish... thing, with long, shiny vines looping here and there over nearby tree branches and rocks. It seemed to explode out from a crevasse in the cliffside where bunches of bright orange flowers bloomed, huge tendrils seeping with some sort of slippery-looking slime, puddling in the thick grass below with a steady, eerily pink, gloop.

"It's a vine plant!" said Hinata, lifting his arms as if to say, 'Ta-da!'

"Spectacular," said Kageyama.

"'Spectacular _tentacular.'_ "

"Absolutely. What you said."

Hinata marched up to it, dropping his things, rolling up his sleeves, and fishing a little wooden box out of one of his twelve thousand pockets. A large pair of clippers appeared from another, then he began to _climb._

"Hinata, what are you do — oh no."

As soon as Hinata had touched the lowest hanging vine, the plant — if it actually was a plant — began to move, kind of like those shy ferns that shrivel up when you touch them, except the opposite. Tentacle-like vines snaked toward Hinata as he scrambled up the plant with his tools, tongue sticking out like he was doing any old thing, just copying down a recipe or deciding on which stupid-jaunty hat to wear, not _wrestling_ with a _monster!_

"Hinata!"

"I've gotta get up to the flowering bits near the to — o-woahh!"

One vine caught his ankle in its slow ascent, twirling around it and almost... curiously slipping up the loose hem of his breeches as it tugged him gently away. Well, gently for it, maybe, because Hinata jerked with the plant-thing's strength, nearly stabbing himself in the eye with his clippers as he held on to another vine for dear life.

"Hinata, what's going on?"

"I guess this thing is curious?"

"Curious? You mean this thing is _sentient!?"_

Hinata managed to shake off the vine around his ankle and scampered a little higher off the ground, smiling when three more vines nudged toward him now, one wrapping around his waist while the other felt out his bicep under his cloak, making him drop the box as he giggled.

"Oh! This is strange. It's slippery! Ha ha!"

The plant seemed to like the sound of Hinata's laughter, because more and more vines slipped up around Hinata's body, and Kageyama was at a loss until Hinata, caught between his preoccupation with collecting a plant sample and his preoccupation with being ticklish, asked him, "Kageyama, could you — ah! — get the box for me and bring it up here?"

Kageyama gaped at him. "No way!"

"Aw, c'mon!"

"Hinata, that thing is gonna strangle you!"

"I just need to clip some flowers!"

"You _need_ to get back down here, now!"

"Don't be silly, I obviously can't do that!" The vines wriggled over Hinata's body, marking up his clothes with slick sap, curling under collars and between buttons and up _pant-legs_ to the sound of Hinata's hitching laughter until he gasped, his hat falling to the ground below, when yet another vine slipped down the back of his breeches.

"Dumbass!" Kageyama yelled, and sprinted toward the box on the ground, leaping onto the nearest cluster of vines and rage-climbing up them, trying to reach Hinata so he could tear those creepy, slippery, _molesting_ vines away from Hinata.

"O-o-oh!" Hinata's voice echoed in the clearing, laced with surprise, and Kageyama stopped to look at him. His mouth was wide open in a tall 'O,' and his eyes were almost the same, big brown irises crowded out by his widening pupils, partially hidden by his wild red hair as he tilted his chin to his chest.

Wait a minute.

Kageyama stuttered to a stop as Hinata lost his grip on the cliffside, and the clippers, and his hands lifted to grip at the slippery vines wrapping him up tight. His fingers slid over on the pinkish slick along the thick, tentacular vines, and he blinked as a smaller vine popped past the laces on the front his breeches and slithered in between his legs. The combined girth of the vines pushed his breeches down his hips to catch on his ankles, and he just sort of... giggled as one tiny vine tickled along the shell of his ear, instead of panicking like a normal person.

Dropping the wooden box again, Kageyama batted one vine away, but another snuck around his waist and tugged him into the air, turning him upside-down for a few perilous moments as it inspected his muddy boots, tested the girth of one thigh, snaked between the buttons of his shirt — popping two off — to nudge a slippery tendril against his nipple.

Kageyama jolted with the zing of feeling, and the vine seemed to like that, wriggling up the back of his linen shirt to stroke along his spine.

"Damn, fuck, ungh — why do I go anywhere with you," Kageyama grunted, trying to grab ahold of _something,_ but getting only pink-sticky lubricant all over his hands for his efforts.

"Wow, this is — wow!" Hinata gasped, shuddering as the plant looped a tendril round and round his straining red cock and began to _pulse_ as the thicker vines around it pulled his thighs apart, squeezed him slowly around the waist, around his neck, and nudged between his cheeks. "Kageyama, you should try this! Ooh!"

Kageyama looked at him incredulously as the vine tipped him backward in the air and almost _displayed_ his ass to Kageyama as it started prodding at his hole. Once the vine finally breached him, it gave a tremendous shudder and renewed its efforts, slithering and writhing all over them both. "You have a fucking death-wish, Hinata!"

"Feels nice!" Hinata crooned, and got another tickling flutter of tendrils along his ears for his trouble. "Ugh, I'm gonna come a whole lot. I think this thing is vibrating?"

Kageyama went red all over as he watched Hinata arch under the attentions of the spectacular tentacular, cock red and leaking as he was marked all over with pink fluid, very clearly enjoying himself, as he always did with something up his ass.

A vine shyly poked at the buttons of Kageyama's breeches, underneath which was his straining erection, and Kageyama sighed bodily. Twitching at the tickling ministrations of the vines patiently disrobing him from every angle, Kageyama unbuttoned his breeches and shoved them down his legs, kicking them off until they floated to the grass below.

"Ahn, there you go, Kageyama!"

"If this thing eats us later, I'm going to kill you!"

"That makes no sense!" Hinata sing-songed at him, but the effect was lessened by his cry of pleasure in the next breath.

Slick as can be, a thick, thrumming vine curled down around Kageyama's leaking cock, squeezing and thrusting down onto it as the tip traced at his balls. Kageyama dropped his head back and stared up at the overcast sky, his wonder at the circumstances dimming considerably, considering how damn spectacular this tentacular was at handies.

Another vine slipped up to poke at his ass, and he swatted at it.

"No butt stuff," he told it, wagging his finger like Hinata would — that is to say, like a complete numbskull would.

Surprisingly, the vine sort of... shrugged casually, as if to say, 'Your loss!' and bumped the tip of his finger before joining the other vine currently occupied with his nipples.

After that, things were a bit hazy. Kageyama relaxed into the vines like he was collapsing in an armchair, letting the slippery plant slurp and tug at his cock while he listened to Hinata's gasps and moans, and it almost melted away into pure pleasure until something very heavy, and wiggly, was dropped unceremoniously in his lap.

Hinata was smoldering down at him when he opened his eyes, hands scrambling over Kageyama’s vine-slippery pecs to hold onto his shoulders as the vines arranged them both, lining up Kageyama's cock and plunging Hinata down onto him in one fell swoop.

Hinata nearly screamed with the sensation, and Kageyama couldn't say he was much better, gurgling out some sort of strangled noise as Hinata's ass slapped down onto his thighs in thorough, heavy thrusts. Kageyama wrapped his own arms around Hinata's waist since he couldn't find purchase on him with all the slick, and Hinata smeared his fingers against Kageyama's scalp before the plant tilted him back to get a good grip on his angry erection, slipping around it quickly and pulsing as it flickered over the underside of the head. Kageyama gaped at the vision, pleasure building in him again as Hinata squeezed around his cock, and watched as a new vine traced Hinata's lips before slipping in to press curiously on his tongue.

"Swugh!" Hinata said around the mouthful, and Kageyama nodded, even though he had no fucking clue what it meant, and fucked into Hinata's hole as Hinata sucked greedily on the shuddering vine, pink slipping down his chin, eyes rolling back in his head.

Kageyama came, thoroughly, and the vine seemed to writhe more as he did, pulsing furiously over Hinata's cock until Hinata let out a strangled whine and spurted, thoroughly, all over his chest and the vines wrapped around it.

With that, the spectacular tentacular shuddered violently, and then went lax.

Their fall was cushioned by another set of vines, which pet at them both as if it was apologizing for being rude, so Kageyama let it slide without comment, being rather at a loss for words anyway. Hinata's tongue and lips were bright pink like he'd eaten shaved ice at the May Day fair, and he licked his lips as if they tasted like it too.

Kageyama leaned down and kissed him, just to make sure.

After a while, Hinata patted the plant, and it slowly deposited them on the forest floor with a few playful caresses. Kageyama fished his breeches out of a puddle of pink gloop, and Hinata pulled himself together as much he could, looking a bit like... well, like he'd wrestled with a pink slug.

Kageyama supposed it wasn't too far off, and watched as Hinata retrieved his supplies from the ground and lifted them with a grin.

One large vine swatted at Hinata's hand, and his clippers flew ten feet to land in the middle of the stream. Hinata shrugged, as if to say 'Fair enough!' and waddled toward Kageyama, holding his breeches up with one hand as he plucked his hat from the ground and retrieved his wizard-staff-not-walking-stick from where he'd leaned it on a boulder.

Hinata waved blearily at the plant, and before Kageyama could roll his eyes, the plant lifted a small tendril and wiggled back, just before they left the clearing.

"I ruined my gloves," Kageyama remarked, solemn, as they trudged dazedly back through the wood toward town.

"I ripped my pants," Hinata agreed. "But I'll knit you new gloves."

"Thanks," Kageyama said, pulling Hinata in and smacking a kiss on his temple under his stupid, pristine hat.

Hinata smiled up at him. "How do you feel about pink yarn?"

**Author's Note:**

> Thanks for reading! Now it's time to wash your eyeballs! 
> 
> Come scream at me on [Tumblr](http://byesweetheart.tumblr.com/) or [Twitter](https://twitter.com/byesweetheart_)!


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